It’s been a fat ratchet min thanks to alot of technical and self issues. Thanks to ya’ll who have trolled the two posts n for stopping by. If you have read what this site is about and why I created this space you’ll get that I intend it to be a place for the rise of ‘Individualism’. The place where our individualism shines through. A place where we are different but the kind of diversity that makes life beautiful. A place we are truly our highest versions of our selves in good n bad experiences.A place of truth without outside labels, absorbed narratives of who we are meant to be and generally a place free of conformity and we can be free and comfortable in our truth n voice.
Am not sure if it’s only me but I get so dysfunctional with absorbing other peoples energy just to fit in, which for the longest time I did for the fear that am too awkward n wierd for anyones liking. This fear made me judge n criticise me, compare my journey with that of my friends, people around me n worst of all crave validation so much from outside of me.
It made me lose my self, the individual that I am, n to be honest it was a daily struggle to just be n live. It’s like wearing someone’s skin n face. I just wanted to belong somewhere other than in my self. Sometimes I wonder if we are conditioned this way.
We all know how that ends, group think mentality and a loss of self direction, self dreams n visions. The main reason why I deleted my old blog on blogspot despite the heavy traffic it had, was coz I wrote from a place of hurt, darkness and lots of ‘pretence’. I just wrote to entertain n escape from my own reality and self. I have struggled with this internal struggle that it took years to get to this point.
When I set to change the tone, I was very afraid of producing another ‘cookie cutter’ blog. In this current digital era of trends and need for hits everyone is obliged to be ‘cute & romantic ‘ online as my homie says. Have you too noticed how we are so careful with our pics, that a simple cup of coffee must be accompanied by a rose n computer peeking for pic space? I felt like I could be lying as that is not how I take coffee or tea.
I wanted a space to be me as it hit me hard one day listening to ‘unwritten’ by Natasha beningfield that if I don’t bring out the real me, no one will ever do it for me n my existence would have been for nothing in the end. It was scary but liberating to finally be, AWAKE to my BEING. I decided this place will stem from truth, in it’s purest, beautiful, oddest, ugliest, sense with the hope that it inspires another being to BE.
Many who follow me on my social sites have this notion that am always so happy n positive, well, I am coz I learnt that am a chooser of my experiences but like any human I go through internal struggles. So this blog today am bearing my soul n my heart on my sleeve n share with you my self weaknesses, challenges n struggles not for show, pity or applause but just so to let you know in your struggle you are not alone n you can choose how you react to it. The choice is a daily, moment to moment choice. That you can conqeur self-defeating drama, critic voices in your head and most importantly that it’s actually OK to have some darkness in our lives. For us to be a light we must also cast a shadow to be WHOLE. That we are enough just as we are.
To be honest been avoiding this post coz I was still trapped in creating likable, hip n all entertainment content which is literally my day to day bread earner. With every post I scheduled it felt like am avoiding myself. I felt empty. I questioned my purpose with my love for the, ARTs n one question stuck in my deepest unknown part; what’s the point of creating what can’t impact another to awaken to their being? If you were raised by the kinda dad I had you’d feel obliged to build people in every small way you can with what source/God put in your heart. Am still struggling with some but deeply grateful for the far we have come. Let’s find out…
Greatness; I have, feared greatness!! My goodnes, I have. Do you know that feeling that you don’t want to do good or better yourself because people will think unajiona sana? Just laugh coz in my head it was a real thing. I have sold myself short so many times strongly believing I dont deserve to be as great as the greats! I would pass on opportunities just because I fear that I may come off as too good, or blessed. I would even let people take credit for works I have created from my crazy head n just settle in ‘but God knows’. I felt like I’ll appear najiringa/am boasting of my prowess. Guys, how ridiculous does this sound? I’m just mentally shaking my head as I type this. I don’t know who or what made me this way for such a long time.
Believing; I have struggled with believing in myself. Contrary to the tagline “Believe, Begin, Become” that I created for actress Brenda Wairimu as a brand slogan ” and has become such a powerful statement across her fan base, social sites n quotes. I never believed in myself n constantly second guessed my being.
Saying NO; Does anyone struggle with this? I still do. I have a habit of not wanting to hurt peoples feelings or expectations from me. This for the longest time has caused me to settle, for things I don’t even connect with just to not to hurt someone’s feelings or stay on their YES side. I found myself right in the middle of other peoples dreams n visions other than mine. What it resulted to was loss of my self direction and overwhelming emotional drain. Sadly, nobody got time for an emotionally weak person n that weakeness will be exploited till you are bare to the core. I learnt the hard way.
Owning my prowess; Any creative can tell you their mind is their biggest asset. I Iove my mind. I love how it creates. Many know I have worked for top entertainment personalities but none know what exactly I did for them just because I have never really owned my concepts , ideas or packaged them. Sometimes I see people post my work , concepts, ideas without credits but I never ask why. Still, I don’t know why I don’t ask. In my head am always like “but you know I created this concept for you, you know you consulted me n picked my brain on this, why can’t you just give me my due credits now that money is a complete other issue?”. I have gone out of my way to assist n create for several without any recognition hata tu ka tweet ☺☺. It’s so demoralizing but the fear of coming off as mean n selfish ilinimaliza n sadly, I still came through for whoever needed me. I still silenced my own voice. Maybe am just a people pleaser, no? I often wondered in silence.
Disappointment; I have struggled with taking this in. I din’t take it in so we’ll n beat myself over why I failed at a set target, a friendship failed, a love ended, a trusted one betraying, n God not answering me how I want. I am the kind that when hurt tu vizuri, I coil to somewhere inside me n shut out completely. It took a series of disappointments one after the other for me to learn that power comes from knowing that I have no power but how I react, to knowing that God’s will /natural flow of the universe must prevail wether I get in flow or not. That it’s never really as personal as it seems. That we are part of some bigger plan n divine course.
Validation; boy haven’t I struggled with being validated. If your family is anything like mine full of super brilliant heads in the ‘serious’ fields of proffesion, and having super class topping friends, being an Artist just doesn’t sound lucrative enough. Constantly being termed as crazy, joker of all time becomes second to nature. You end up craving their validation n acknowledgement it burns away your creative flame. I have lost friends who felt I had made the wrong decisions in my life to not settle for money making jobs but follow my artistic passions that weren’t just bringing in the big big mullah. It hurt me too considering I have never understood their fields either but still support none the less. Beauty about this is that it led me to a free zone of being my own cheerleader, trusting my process and appreciating my talents, gift n journey. Slowly we are getting better n better n loving settling in our bliss. It’s truly priceless to be who you are.
Dear lovers, I feel so vulnerable right now but I hope in my vulnerability you will pick something small to steer you in the direction of your won bliss. As Desmond Tutu says, we can only be human together. No?
Thanks for stopping.
Have a beautiful week ahead ☺
PS: I didn’t want to shoot pics for this post, wanted it raw…no make up, no scripted locations or sets, just me bare!
Love x Light.