Hello l❤ers 😍,
You see the way life is set up, it always had me every year writing down new year resolutions that I never follow hahaha…
Last December while reflecting the year that was 2015, it was different coz for once, I did not write down anything to achieve in 2016. I did not want to think at all. I just wanted to feel. (team mafeelings here deadly 😂😂).
I realized the year that was 2015, my most happiest and truest moments as few as they came were when I was feeling fulfilled in what I do n say. When I was feeling love in all that I am. I wanted more of this feeling. More n more of it. It was priceless.
I had a constant chatter with a voice inside me about a prayer for 2016 I made to the source/God “let me be a better human being daily, let me be the best happy version of me. Let me live in the present moment in gratitude. Let me be passionately open to love and what’s natural. Amen”.
To be honest, I must confess the gravity of that prayer/desire was scary just coz I somehow knew what it meant but somehow feared what it meant too. I knew it meant tearing down the strongly well built walls and my self created caccoon. And that was a war a part of me was willing to run from very fast. I did not know how, but I was very sure it’s what I wanted for 2016.
I wanted fulfillment. Nothing less. Nothing more.
I had started feeling that am empty inside n not getting fulfilled and contented in my existence.
I just wanted more of what I dont know. Do you ever get that feeling? That feeling of constantly being in search and crave of what you don’t even know. I wanted to find fullfilment in everything I love. A purpose to it all. Or why else was I living?
That was the swala nyeti in my heart. And like magic, my intention mysteriously started unfolding…
Most of the trolls I made online or read or watched or listened in music had one constant thing: LOVE. I started internalising this word, meaning, concept, reality, feeling, whatever you may want to label it as. It was like a sign all over. I saw it everywhere, found it in everything, introduced it to anything that passed my way.
I just desired to do only that which I love and gives me the fulfillment I badly craved. After all, quotes all over my timelines that crossed my eyes spoke on ‘Love this, love that’. Follow what you love, love wins, love conqures all, do more of what you love, bla bla bla. I swear I felt like I was being charmed hahahaha.
I was so conscious of that word at any given moment. I won’t lie, it was not all rosy as a part of me felt like it was delusion coz it’s all in my head but a greater part of me felt like it was the just the right feeling. The mysterious reasuarence was all I needed.
You know what that meant to me, I had to let go of all that I thought I was and allow the natural law of the universe guide me. It meant trusting the unseen with all of me. It meant having faith of a blind man. It meant one day at a time. One moment to moment.
Guys, this sounds soooo easy on paper 😂😂😂. The fear, doubts, of tomorrow constantly bugged me. But I found my strength in feeling it was the best move ever. And I made a pact with source to strive to do more LOVE and trust the magic of this new beginning of paying attention to love.
Let me make one thing straight. Am not talking sexual love. Romantic typa love. Am talking that feeling in general. I did not want to think about love any more. I wanted to feel love. Be love. Feel it in my SELF, thoughts, words, feelings, people, family, talents, gifts, desires, dreams, visions, passion, friends, conversations, sorrounding, nature, ART, food, literally everything, such that when I look back, I feel it all over again n remember, that I left pieces of my love behind.
So here we are; reflecting on the year amidst disappointments and regrets here n there, safe to say am completely mindblown n filled with gratitude for all the Love that was this 2016.
Call me hippie… I DID. I found a LOVE and FULFILLMENT in the purest, rawest, simplest and most natural ways that can be surmarissed like this
Love & Fear are direct opposites. You can’t feel both at the same time. When you’re loving, you’re not fearing n when you’re fearing you’re not loving. It hit me in a wierd way that before looking for love outside of me, I needed to find it in me. Fill me up with it so much it can’t help but ooze outside. That, for me to love me whole, I needed to stop fearing my illusions of self. My illusions of people of what they think of me. It hit me that for me to find love inside me, I need to feel comfortable n free in my skin. N that meant I had to be true to who I am n share only that. N with that enlightenment, awareness n deliberate intention, I conqured all the fears known to me yet in 2016. From fear of Self to unknown. I faced it. ALL. People close to me know exactly what I mean by this coz for the first time in ten years, I let them in, in a way I have dreaded n never done before. N for the courage and energy my entire being emitted during that period, am eternally grateful. Also it made me realise my greatest strength, truly lies nowhere else but inside of me. This was an achievement I will talk about as long as I can.
My love for pictures, fashion, adventure and nature led me to a beautiful phase of using all that to create awareness on the importance of Environmental conservation.
I escape Nairobi for a weekend and my sister (Rose) decides she’s too broke that I should contest for Miss Tourism in my county so that I win for her the cash. Let’s all laugh at that first hahaha. N all of a sudden my other fam members start pushing me to it. There was excitement inside me but 99% was fear!! I have never catwalked anywhere neither do I have model body goals. My people were so confident in me more than Obama was confident on Hillary. I gave in, one because I was also very broke n didn’t even have fare back to Nairobi 😂😂. Two because why not? Fast foward to the contest, I came second, got the cash for my people. I think only my eloquence can be credited to this coz I had no outfits to contest having carried two for the weekend n y’all know my boho style is just not for a beauty contest. My catwalk was also so horrible lol!! I could just feel as I walked amidst my people screaming at the top of their voices. The shock came when I now had to proceed to the County stage to which now I was just riding along on ‘my love for pictures and tourism in general. I was crowned Miss Enviroment 2016 for Siaya County.
Looking back now, am just overwhelmed with gratitude because I got a platform to use what I love to better my self, and create awareness on something that stole my heart away long time ago: NATURE.
Before I knew it, my content for my social media was being filtered to what I love in Nature and creating awareness and appreciation for it. I felt n still feel so fulfilled with this role. I got a chance to launch tree planting and plant trees with the former Premier Raila Odinga at one of my county’s historical place ‘Kogello Resort’. I count help thinking as I handed Raila tree one ‘look mama, see what am doing!! Am planting a tree with him. Am leaving my Mark here’!! Hihihi my emotions were all over.
I told my bros first n they were so elated for me. They reminded how dad would have been proud of me coz Environment was his thing too. The moment was so surrel coupled with who I was doing it with, I felt this was a moment worth being happy n grateful about.
My title as Miss Environment led me to desire to use it to solve a problem in my community. I grew up watching my dad diligently commit himself to the community in any small way he could and I felt this was my time to practice what I learnt. If you knew my dad and his passion for my community, you’d get our drift. That’s the very time there was jigger infestation outbreak in my sub-county. N like a sign from the source, I saw a problem to solve owing to the fact that it’s an environmental issue.
Together with the office of the First Lady in my County, I embarked on community work. We treated about 10 schools over 600 pupils and donated shoes to some schools. These months between March to June were nothing short of love and priceless moments I can barely find words to describe.
This was one of the most humbling and teaching experiences I have heard. I also realised am too blessed and take lots of things for granted as I was exposed to real poverty in the villages.
Something in me changed forever after this campaign. I want more of such experiences come 2017. The laughters, smiles, stories n photo moments from these kids warmed my heart daily.
Can’t thank the office of the, First Lady enough for this initiative. It was fulfilling. Deeply.
N as if to crown it all, KRCS Reached out to me to join their campaign of 1m trees in one hour. Though it was postponed to later date when we have good rains, I was more than honored to be recognised and my impact required for this great course. When I saw the other personalities and brands on the campaign, I literally told Source a big thank you for putting me on such frequencies.
I love creating ART of any kind and most of all writing my thoughts. It’s the best way I feel expressed ☺.
Getting to create this site was everything to me. I finally came back to writing after a two year hiatus and with the content plan that made me so me. That was a big achievement to me. This is my escape plan. Always. I love it here. So much.
I also decided am creating my social media content to just what I love. I mean why bash what you hate if you can promote what you love? That was the question I asked myself. I had to learn how to talk to my targeted audience of like minded people that I share same passions with. That’s when I learnt of using hashtags to target a specific audience amidst people dissing me for using too many hashtags on my pics hahaha. Some got to me esp if it was said in a malicious way like this person who called me childish coz of my tu hashtags hahaha. I knew what I was doing and reminded myself that the pact I made was between me & God n had to do my part regardless. (Can you sense how I caught a feeling 😂😂😂).
I made so many friends virtually too whom we shared same liking for ART and Nature, was introduced to a whole community dedicated to matters Environment, Nature, ART, writing and learning from them was so eye opening. Word of advice; find your people, n be that. Life is so magical when you do. Looking back, am very satisfied with the content I put out this year from my photography to writing, to ART direction and set designs to ideas on my current radio job I’m just Grateful much.
Moving back to my hometown I had no idea how shit was gonna play out. But rem, we were trusting and being passionatly open. While I was not in the community lending a hand or creating content for my social pages, site, I was collecting moments, laughter, experiences in any way I could.
I opened up much to travel, adventure, nature explores, connecting with people off-line. This year was filled with adventure!!!
I rem waking up just to ride a bike very early n feel the fresh morning air and breeze as I sang my fav songs at the top of my voice. Am sure the people I met must have thought ‘ Nyar daktari wiye dhii marach’ (Doc’s daughter has gone mental) 😂😂😂.
I spent moments soaking in the sun, admiring flowers, butterflies, watching the moon, stars, creating shapes in the clouds with my nieces , cooking and eating, dancing some nights away and just being present in the moment.
My birthday was AMAZING!!! S/O to all who made it so memorable. So much love for one day yaani. We took a road trip to Uganda a nearby beach and had an amazing time. The laughter and love, was powerful. I had fantasized about dancing at a beach under the moonlight with my non colored friends before and true to my words, I just did not know that this trip would grant me that.
As we were heading to our room, we saw a group of people, some Philippines, Americans and Africans dancing and we joined in. I got so lost in the moment soaking it all in of how I was right in the middle of my unknown friends dancing our hearts out under the moonlight to a Ugandan song we all clearly never understood. Such simple little things filled my heart with so much content. Grateful. Beyond.
When you’ve been faced with a life threatening condition, everything else really becomes about just LIVING LIFE! You realize everyday granted is a favour and make the best out of it. I did not work out or anything apart from during boot camp for the contest, but paid great attention to what I put inside my body. I made attempts at drinking lots of water esp when I wake up and it made me feel so refreshed. I took my shower moments too seriously and really loved simple act of cleaning my body. I would mentally thank my legs for being Strong, my hands for holding it down, my eyes for seeing yeah, sounds crazy but I did it. I wanted to remind myself how grateful and blessed I am to have fully functional body parts. My doctors gave me the best review in a very emotional way filled with hugs and high fives. They were happy for my progress this far.
Looking back, tumetoka mbali, story for another day. I have come to know the importance of good health and don’t take it for granted one bit. Grateful for a healthy body this year.
Expressing my thoughts, feelings.
This is a battle I still deal with but improving day by day. It’s one thing to say something n not mean it or mean it n not say it. This battle gave me emotional drain as I cared more of what others felt than I did. I decided to conquer it too. It didn’t go down so well with some people coz they were used to me pretending about shit n here I was just telling it as it felt. I rem calling out one of my friends for entertaining a man who hurt me so much. Yes, in team mafeelings world, we value loyalty n sometimes that means we selfishly want people who don’t test it with unnecessary insecurities. The result of that, I was called petty by my friend. I took it coz that was their perspective too but was just glad I actually told them how I felt. If I didn’t say, I still had felt it so I saw no sense in pretending to be OK. I found mental freedom. It felt good. No hard feelings just being real to my feelings. N more n more am getting comfortable speaking my truth even if my voice shakes. It’s not easy but we made great steps this year.
Oh lord. I lost. Many. Why?. I don’t know but I stopped feeling bad about what never worked. I went through moments of my ‘friends’ telling me untrue things people were saying about me n one qst lingered in my head: ‘ but why are those people comfortable bitching about me to you, n you are my friend’. Let no one fool you dear lovers about this. The ans dictated my next move. I reminded myself that I had bigger tasks to accomplish for me n just channeled my energy to who n what worked.
I have tried blending in so bad, guys, it’s not for me. Don’t ask me to. Dont expect me to, too. I am not your kinda normal. I break rules and labels and narratives. I create my own. This year was also about owning my individuality more (as the reason for this space) anything and anyone who threatened this freedom was cut out without a thought. I wanted space to make my own mistakes n learn from them, grow from them and enjoy the process while at it. That mostly meant letting go off relations that stated otherwise. It was not easy, but life unfolds as it should. Looking back this moment; I dont regret letting go off some people coz with time, people do a fine job of revealing themselves to you. All I did was believe them when they did, n believed hard enough to move on with my life, no hard feelings. I also met very beautiful souls who filled my heart with so much happiness and good moments. I’m grateful.
In a very long summary 😜😂, I can confidently say this year was my very best year yet. I may not have made millions or invested in wealth but I made connections and invested in experiences and memories for a lifetime. N that is what I live for.
Looking back, I’m going into the holidays happy, fulfilled, content and deeply grateful for the ENERGY that has been 2016.
One prayer for 2017 “Let me be deliberately intentional and Grateful in all”. Amen.
N to Source: THANK YOU!!!
How was you 2016?
Happy holidays 🎄🎉🎉🎉🎉!!!! Make lots of beautiful memories, spread LOVE, LIGHT, KINDNESS, LAUGHTER & GOOD VIBES.
Also, dear lovers, rem to Eat and catch a sunset once in a while.
THANK YOU FOR FOLLOWING ME ON THIS JOURNEY THIS YEAR N TO MY PEOPLE, ONE WORD: BLESS!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU & YOURS AND A PROSPEFOUS FULFILLING 2017.
LOVE & LIGHT